How did it feel when I called you my boyfriend?

How did it feel when I called you my boyfriend?

“I loved it.” -Jeff the loser, wrong guy. Again.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to see you. I asked my friends if I was crazy for being so understanding, and they all informed me “no, it’s because you’re so intelligent you can see other peoples perspectives”. Ugh I don’t feel all that intelligent at the moment…but this is not a hate story.

I must say…talking to your girlfriend—the mother of of your child/children[who knows anymore]—when she called, shocked me.

Here’s what I don’t understand but I think I’m trying to, or I’d like to… She said I was like the 8th or 9th girl you’ve entertained. Sweetheart, why would you bring a child into this world knowing that you can’t control your urges? I mean, how does it feel to know what I suspected about you has proven true? Or better yet, how does it feel to know I stuck around with all the suspicious things you were doing? Am I nuts? No I’m not.

I mean—it looks like I’m desperate right? You called me crazy, your girl called me a psycho, as well as other trash individuals in our/your life. You know what they all had in common? That I was right about them and they couldn’t handle that. Nothing new here! What DOES upset me is that I opened up to you, telling you all my scary secrets. Not because I’m a fat mouth, but strictly because I was told “he wants a relationship” by none other than Kelley. And you too! So was I wrong?

Of course I wasn’t wrong. Rarely am, sadly. Your girlfriend made me feel foolish. She was kind though, and took the information so sadly I felt like. Sounded dissatisfied and displeased. She also seemed to accept it, wow. How could you do that to her? If it were me, I would’ve left you a long time ago. And it was me, and I should’ve googled searched sooner. But hindsight is 20/20, wadda ya gonna do eh? So why didn’t I? Because I knew I’d find something out that would crush the happiness I felt when we were together.

Looking back, I can easily see when you started acting up. Pushing me away and becoming defensive. The no video calls. The no address for me to send you things. The lack of commitment towards me. But I can’t lie and say I noticed nothing from you! Call me crazy, but I genuinely feel like you felt something for me—and odds are you still do. I wanted you to open up to me, so that I may understand why you did what you did and why you do what you do. Shame I’d imagine. Also intense guilt. Because you knew I’d never settle for a guy into shenanigans like you were in. So you made the correct decisions for your circumstances. But here I sit, 1:43am shit posting my feelings and thoughts. Privately of course.

I threw away all the toys I bought that reminded me of you. It broke my heart. The fact that I’m writing this is also concerning to me. You could easily take advantage of me again and embarrass me, but I don’t think you will.

So here’s the problem. MY PROBLEM if you will… I still want to see you. I’m not sure why or in what capacity, but we can’t deny something between us wasn’t there. Maybe the fact that I saw something different about you, yet eerily familiar. (Now especially since I know what those feelings were about) There’s something beautiful in the things people find as flaws in other people and themselves. My ultimate goal is still your happiness but I have to ask myself, is he really that happy to have such a wondering eye? That answer is obvious.

What I think you should do? Marry her and raise your daughter in a loving home, and love your wife in the proper way. What I’ve been told people should do in your situation? Choose what’s best for you regardless of the temporary changes required to make that a necessity. Ultimately it’s not up to me, so I digress.

Anyways, I’m leaving for my job this week. I already have my address and would absolutely adore the chance to see you. You made my world a little extra shiny and I’m afraid to let that magic go completely.

Okay, I guess that’s all I have to write about. It feels better, I feel better ❤️‍🩹, especially after I get the courage to send it! I hope you also feel the same, or more at ease about talking with me. I told you that you never have to worry, didn’t I. When I said that I would be your friend for life, I meant it.

Take care my love ❤️ I’ll always be here when you need it the most.

A deleted beautiful memory.
When I’m not nerdy, I make cheesy things for the people I care about—this was one of them.
For my Fire Chief I was so proud of.

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